Beauty Within and Without

That night that I found out I was HIV positive, I didn't want to be alone. I joined my orgmates to a 'house colding' -- a farewell celebration as one leaves a home for another one.

When we got there, we were introduced to new friends, friends of our friend who was celebrating. Among the bunch of guys -- half straight, half gay, I noticed someone: this girl who was the best friend of our friend, who was a busybody cleaning up after everyone, tidying the kitchen as fast as she could. I popped into the kitchen to say hello, and she gave me a quick glance and a smile, then carried on with her chores. It seemed she was trying so hard to be invisible to us, especially because physically she did not have a frail frame.

Later that night, I was drinking, smoking and chatting with friends at the balcony. I vaguely remember how things happened but I ended up talking intimately with this girl. I do remember giving her unsolicited (yet with permission) observations about how withdrawn she seemed, avoiding eye contact or even polite conversation. I think she seemed taken aback by the fact that I noticed her, but I was the one taken aback after when she slowly opened up to me about her past experiences.

I was looking intently thru her eyes and I could feel the pain inside. I asked her about this. And she recalled to me how her past relationships had failed, convincing herself that she wasn't worthy of being loved. After more questions, we were discussing her language of love. Apparently it was words of affection. And she had only been getting criticism instead of praise. Her eyes had become watery and tears were starting to fall.

When we had to go, I looked at her and assured her, "You are truly beautiful. I hope you can see that." I had the urge to give her a tight hug and I felt it reciprocated. She thanked me after. And although I wasn't able to get her number or give her mine, I felt I was able to connect well with her and had given her a little encouragement I hoped she'd keep with her.

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Today, my Facebook popped a notification from a name that sounded familiar yet I couldn't place from where. It was shortly followed by a chat message:

Hi. This is AAA, LLL's friend.

Oh hi! Will accept your friend request

Thank you dear. I missed you. You left a fine imprint in my soul when you hugged me at LLL's party.

Aw.. nakakataba ng puso. thanks. I hope you're doing fine. Pay it forward. And I will say it again: You are truly beautiful. *hugs*

I'm definitely beautiful. Yes, will pay it forward.

Atta gurl!

Once in a while life presents to us these small opportunities when we get that chance to touch another person's life -- strangers sometimes. I grabbed that opportunity that night. And today I have been rewarded with a heartfelt thank you that warms my heart.

I'm Messed Up

5AM. A few hours before I head to RITM for an doctor's appointment. Still can't sleep.

I'm messed up. My life is messed up. The past few weeks have been a blur, yet it has been one of the most life-changing periods of my life. Well, I do have a lot of those periods, when everything in my lfe just changes almost simultaneously. Well it's happening again. Not sure if this time for the better.

It's been almost two weeks since I found out I had HIV. I've done a lot of thinking, talking to close friends, getting into my inner feelings. And a lot has happened. I just had to let go of someone I had learned to love. Tried to destroy him (I won't expound how or in what form) and failed in the process. Messing up my work commitments. Being half-baked in what I had been achieving for the advocacy. And just confused on where to go.

The person I thought had infected me just tested negative again. I have given up trying to figure out how I was exposed to HIV. My mind refuses to grieve about my new serostatus, and I have to make the big decision on whether or not to start on ARVs. If my form of depression and grief is confusion, then I'm deep into it right now.

I haven't really been sleeping well. Must be the drugs. I'm guessing I'm taking my CD4 down to a whole new level. Should decide to start on meds. Hesitant if I'll have enough discipline to pull it through. And although I do look forward to some of the side effect , i.e. drowsiness, I still fear that the side effects could be strong for me.

Have I given up sex recently? Not really. In fact, I'm feeling this aura of invincibility around me. It's like I already have HIV so what's the worst I can get from having more sex? I refuse the idea that I could be passing it on to other people. I make sure I'm well protected and lubrication is a must.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Be thankful.

Understanding PlanetRomeo: part 1 -- The Plunge

I used to chat a lot in Guys4Men. That was a 'wanton-living' time of my life. And then I met my partner for almost 5 years. And then I became single again. And then I joined the advocacy.

When G4M was bought and turned into PlanetRomeo, my interest in it weaned. What I liked about G4M was the video chat space which PR did not adopt. And even while some folks migrated to Downelink which had Userplane (the video chat utility used by G4M), it was never the same again.

The HIV advocacy, like most advocacies, required extensive knowledge about the community it was serving. In our case, we were proud about understanding MSMs (men who have sex with men). We'd always say (ala Karibal): "We know the market because we ARE the market." But that has its limitations.

Beyond the feedback we get from the community and the personal experiences we share with each other, we always have to keep abreast with the always-changing landscape of the community's behavior. I was in a planning session recently with QCHD and DOH, and an observation mentioned revolved around paid-sex transactions disappearing from the usual cruising areas and moving online. Indeed, a lot of M2M hook ups are more and more happening online rather that the usual cruising spots. This is a global trend, not just a local one, and is part of a larger trend of social computing -- how technology is affecting societal norms. But I digress.

I wanted to understand the dynamics of the community more to help the advocay better, but my personal knowledge was based on experiences I've had at least 2-4 years past. I wanted to immerse myself into that world. And so I opened a new PlanetRomeo account.

That was at least 7 months ago. Today I feel I have a good grasp of this online space called PlanetRomeo. It is arguably the biggest online dating/hookup site in the Philippines today.. well, maybe if you discount the amount of similar activity happening on mainstream social media like Facebook and Twitter.

Among the MSM-oriented sites, I feel it currently has the strongest offering: PR has robust platforms accessible by most desktops/laptops and smartphones (including Blackberry). Couple this with a very active base of users in the country, a lot of which do use the site to hookup with others. There's also a lot of drug-related activity that either emanates from PR or is promoted in it. And the amount of profile data made available and stored on the site allowed users to do power searches (location, proximity, looking for sex, sex role, dick size, fetishes, interests, partee, PNP, photos, etc.) to find guys they were definitely interested in, even before striking a chat conversation. This was definitely a formula for high-risk behaviour that is associated with HIV exposure. And it was definitely an area where the hidden population converged, mingled, yet has been underserved by most of the current interventions of the advocacy.

Like how forum sites behaved since the turn of the millennium, outsiders were easily identifiable and deemed unwelcome. There have been intervention attempts to put peer educators on the site to promote safer sex and HIV testing in PR. Yet once users get to talk to any of them, they get turned off and stop the conversation. Of course there's a lot of 'marketing' going around PR -- from callboys to masseurs to network marketeers to real estate, but that's seen as background noise. MSMs engaged in PR know what they want and go for nothing else -- to chat with other MSMs, and a lot eventually hookup either for 1-on-1 sex, for group sex, for sex with drugs, and all the permutations in between.

I had chosen to integrate into this community -- be one among them. Yet, I purposefully put wore my advocacy badge on my profile -- used my real nickname, my real photos, and aside from my sexual interests I had "HIV counselor. Ask me if you want to get tested for HIV" on my profile.

To put some context, I had been struggling with my weight the past couple of years, and after my breakup of an-almost-5-year relationship, I didn't have much confidence to put myself back in the game. Slowly though, after some successful hookups (all safer sex) I started to rediscover my appeal. Almost overnight, I had rediscovered that almost-wanton life I had lived before, but now being more sure about safer sex practices I was advocating. This I never hid from my peers in the advocacy, and soon I was dubbed Mr. SexPositive.

(to be continued)

Facing the Music -- the Baseline Visit (part 1)

One of the biggest gaps in HIV/AIDS' management continuum is the jump from diagnosis to baseline. A lot of newly-diagnosed PLHIVs fail to go for a baseline consultation at an HIV/AIDS treatment hub.

I woke up very early today in anticipation of what I had to do today: go to RITM Alabang for my baseline tests. The past two days were about waiting and who to disclose to early on in this journey. Today I had to take action.

And today I felt a bit scared. It wasn't so much gripping fear that would have prevented me from going thru with it. More like a certain uneasiness, a certain anxiety of how the day would play. Over the weekend, my sole basis for my serostatus was the tests that had been done by a med tech who was happened to be on duty for the first time in that facility. That created a small piece of doubt in my mind about trusting the results ("Maybe he could have made a mistake?").

Today, more tests were to be done by the regular med tech with tons of experience doing the same thing everyday. Today, I was to see the attending doctor and was to be advise whether I needed to immediately start taking ART (anti-retroviral therapy). After today, I cannot have any more doubts that this was all real. That I was indeed HIV positive.

But more than that, it was how I would carry myself around the people I would see today that really brought about my anxiety: Will they think that I wasn't someone who could 'walk-the-talk' being an HIV counselor? What face can I show to my friends at RITM who I had just been joking around a couple of months earlier about being positive?

-0-

I arrived in RITM Alabang at around 7:45am. Cutoff for the CD4 test was at 8am. I was happy that my client who also tested positive last week and who I encouraged to join me today got there a bit earlier and was accompanied by his sister.

"Write me on the the list, if you can," I texted him.
"You need to pay already," he replied.
"Ah, baka yung sa orange card, yan," I assured him.

When I got there, I caught up with him at the Information counter getting an Orange Card. You need the card to access the services of RITM. We then proceeded back to the ARG office.

I was greeted by the familiar staff of RITM and was pleasantly surprised that they were nonchalant about seeing me holding an Orange Card this time, instead of just being a companion to a new patient. It wasn't long after that I also bumped into a co-counselor of mine who was also dedma about seeing me getting my lab tests done.

It was Lean, the RITM med tech, who was much taken aback. He was calling my code for blood extraction and must have thought I was up to one of my silly pranks by standing in front of him. It took him a couple of seconds to realize he was actually calling my name. Inside the extraction room, I could sense his disorientation as he was preparing his equipment.

"Ey, it's ok. Ganun talaga, " I murmured.
"Eh ako ang nara-run ng mga tests mo dati," he whimpered.
"Alam ko hindi madali... Oy, di ako papayag na tusukin mo ako hanggang kumalma ka, " I joked.

I gave him a warm hug and let him compose himself before we proceeded with the extraction.

(to be continued)

Confeermed. I am HIV+

Yesterday, I tested positive for HIV.

It was sort of anti-climactic actually. I already had suspected it was possible I was already positive since February, even when my HIV rapid test then turned non-reactive. And I would jokingly tell my peers I was losing weight because my CD4 count was getting low. It was either that or the drugs I was taking more frequently. Or both. I didn't know then for sure and I knew then that I had to wait this long to be definite about it. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I am on my desk right now, writing this first entry to this new blog that I am starting to chronicle my life as a person living with HIV (PLHIV). Some may notice that I seem to be writing from a POV of someone who is quite knowledgeable about HIV/AIDS, and may be wondering how come someone like me could have "turned out like this." If you are one of them, then this blog could be one you'd want to follow.

I am in the HIV advocacy. Yes, you read right. I am one of those who help others get educated, get tested, and sometimes assist those who test positive get to treatment. Yet somehow, despite me fervently practicing what I preach, I now have the dreaded virus in my body. I am known by my peers to be very "sex-positive" -- a term we use to connote an attitude about recognizing sex as part of every person's being, and that one should still be able to have sex without the fear of getting HIV.

How am I feeling now, you may be wondering. Well, I was telling my counselor yesterday that I hasn't hit me quite yet, the news. I still am expecting a bout (or bouts) of depression to come. But when I woke up this morning, I just felt different. Like I had just woken up from deep sleep and was a bit disoriented, realizing the new reality I have to face. It's amusing how a single piece of news could change a person's conscious reality.

Of course my mind has been raising thinking about "What now," the past few hours since I learned the news. I decided I wasn't going to lock myself up in my ivory tower last night, so I joined some peers to a house party where I acted as if nothing was different. And I did have a great time last night.

I've told about 5 other people who now know my serostatus (HIV status) aside from my counselor and the med tech who administered the test yesterday. I have my specific reasons for telling these people I am thinking of coming out eventually. To what extent, I still don't know. What I know is that I have been blessed by my Creator and the Universe with the chance to experience what it is like being a PLHIV. Maybe I can help the advocacy better this way.