I'm Messed Up

5AM. A few hours before I head to RITM for an doctor's appointment. Still can't sleep.

I'm messed up. My life is messed up. The past few weeks have been a blur, yet it has been one of the most life-changing periods of my life. Well, I do have a lot of those periods, when everything in my lfe just changes almost simultaneously. Well it's happening again. Not sure if this time for the better.

It's been almost two weeks since I found out I had HIV. I've done a lot of thinking, talking to close friends, getting into my inner feelings. And a lot has happened. I just had to let go of someone I had learned to love. Tried to destroy him (I won't expound how or in what form) and failed in the process. Messing up my work commitments. Being half-baked in what I had been achieving for the advocacy. And just confused on where to go.

The person I thought had infected me just tested negative again. I have given up trying to figure out how I was exposed to HIV. My mind refuses to grieve about my new serostatus, and I have to make the big decision on whether or not to start on ARVs. If my form of depression and grief is confusion, then I'm deep into it right now.

I haven't really been sleeping well. Must be the drugs. I'm guessing I'm taking my CD4 down to a whole new level. Should decide to start on meds. Hesitant if I'll have enough discipline to pull it through. And although I do look forward to some of the side effect , i.e. drowsiness, I still fear that the side effects could be strong for me.

Have I given up sex recently? Not really. In fact, I'm feeling this aura of invincibility around me. It's like I already have HIV so what's the worst I can get from having more sex? I refuse the idea that I could be passing it on to other people. I make sure I'm well protected and lubrication is a must.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day. Be thankful.