Confeermed. I am HIV+

Yesterday, I tested positive for HIV.

It was sort of anti-climactic actually. I already had suspected it was possible I was already positive since February, even when my HIV rapid test then turned non-reactive. And I would jokingly tell my peers I was losing weight because my CD4 count was getting low. It was either that or the drugs I was taking more frequently. Or both. I didn't know then for sure and I knew then that I had to wait this long to be definite about it. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I am on my desk right now, writing this first entry to this new blog that I am starting to chronicle my life as a person living with HIV (PLHIV). Some may notice that I seem to be writing from a POV of someone who is quite knowledgeable about HIV/AIDS, and may be wondering how come someone like me could have "turned out like this." If you are one of them, then this blog could be one you'd want to follow.

I am in the HIV advocacy. Yes, you read right. I am one of those who help others get educated, get tested, and sometimes assist those who test positive get to treatment. Yet somehow, despite me fervently practicing what I preach, I now have the dreaded virus in my body. I am known by my peers to be very "sex-positive" -- a term we use to connote an attitude about recognizing sex as part of every person's being, and that one should still be able to have sex without the fear of getting HIV.

How am I feeling now, you may be wondering. Well, I was telling my counselor yesterday that I hasn't hit me quite yet, the news. I still am expecting a bout (or bouts) of depression to come. But when I woke up this morning, I just felt different. Like I had just woken up from deep sleep and was a bit disoriented, realizing the new reality I have to face. It's amusing how a single piece of news could change a person's conscious reality.

Of course my mind has been raising thinking about "What now," the past few hours since I learned the news. I decided I wasn't going to lock myself up in my ivory tower last night, so I joined some peers to a house party where I acted as if nothing was different. And I did have a great time last night.

I've told about 5 other people who now know my serostatus (HIV status) aside from my counselor and the med tech who administered the test yesterday. I have my specific reasons for telling these people I am thinking of coming out eventually. To what extent, I still don't know. What I know is that I have been blessed by my Creator and the Universe with the chance to experience what it is like being a PLHIV. Maybe I can help the advocacy better this way.