Facing the Music -- the Baseline Visit (part 1)

One of the biggest gaps in HIV/AIDS' management continuum is the jump from diagnosis to baseline. A lot of newly-diagnosed PLHIVs fail to go for a baseline consultation at an HIV/AIDS treatment hub.

I woke up very early today in anticipation of what I had to do today: go to RITM Alabang for my baseline tests. The past two days were about waiting and who to disclose to early on in this journey. Today I had to take action.

And today I felt a bit scared. It wasn't so much gripping fear that would have prevented me from going thru with it. More like a certain uneasiness, a certain anxiety of how the day would play. Over the weekend, my sole basis for my serostatus was the tests that had been done by a med tech who was happened to be on duty for the first time in that facility. That created a small piece of doubt in my mind about trusting the results ("Maybe he could have made a mistake?").

Today, more tests were to be done by the regular med tech with tons of experience doing the same thing everyday. Today, I was to see the attending doctor and was to be advise whether I needed to immediately start taking ART (anti-retroviral therapy). After today, I cannot have any more doubts that this was all real. That I was indeed HIV positive.

But more than that, it was how I would carry myself around the people I would see today that really brought about my anxiety: Will they think that I wasn't someone who could 'walk-the-talk' being an HIV counselor? What face can I show to my friends at RITM who I had just been joking around a couple of months earlier about being positive?

-0-

I arrived in RITM Alabang at around 7:45am. Cutoff for the CD4 test was at 8am. I was happy that my client who also tested positive last week and who I encouraged to join me today got there a bit earlier and was accompanied by his sister.

"Write me on the the list, if you can," I texted him.
"You need to pay already," he replied.
"Ah, baka yung sa orange card, yan," I assured him.

When I got there, I caught up with him at the Information counter getting an Orange Card. You need the card to access the services of RITM. We then proceeded back to the ARG office.

I was greeted by the familiar staff of RITM and was pleasantly surprised that they were nonchalant about seeing me holding an Orange Card this time, instead of just being a companion to a new patient. It wasn't long after that I also bumped into a co-counselor of mine who was also dedma about seeing me getting my lab tests done.

It was Lean, the RITM med tech, who was much taken aback. He was calling my code for blood extraction and must have thought I was up to one of my silly pranks by standing in front of him. It took him a couple of seconds to realize he was actually calling my name. Inside the extraction room, I could sense his disorientation as he was preparing his equipment.

"Ey, it's ok. Ganun talaga, " I murmured.
"Eh ako ang nara-run ng mga tests mo dati," he whimpered.
"Alam ko hindi madali... Oy, di ako papayag na tusukin mo ako hanggang kumalma ka, " I joked.

I gave him a warm hug and let him compose himself before we proceeded with the extraction.

(to be continued)

Confeermed. I am HIV+

Yesterday, I tested positive for HIV.

It was sort of anti-climactic actually. I already had suspected it was possible I was already positive since February, even when my HIV rapid test then turned non-reactive. And I would jokingly tell my peers I was losing weight because my CD4 count was getting low. It was either that or the drugs I was taking more frequently. Or both. I didn't know then for sure and I knew then that I had to wait this long to be definite about it. But I am getting ahead of myself.

I am on my desk right now, writing this first entry to this new blog that I am starting to chronicle my life as a person living with HIV (PLHIV). Some may notice that I seem to be writing from a POV of someone who is quite knowledgeable about HIV/AIDS, and may be wondering how come someone like me could have "turned out like this." If you are one of them, then this blog could be one you'd want to follow.

I am in the HIV advocacy. Yes, you read right. I am one of those who help others get educated, get tested, and sometimes assist those who test positive get to treatment. Yet somehow, despite me fervently practicing what I preach, I now have the dreaded virus in my body. I am known by my peers to be very "sex-positive" -- a term we use to connote an attitude about recognizing sex as part of every person's being, and that one should still be able to have sex without the fear of getting HIV.

How am I feeling now, you may be wondering. Well, I was telling my counselor yesterday that I hasn't hit me quite yet, the news. I still am expecting a bout (or bouts) of depression to come. But when I woke up this morning, I just felt different. Like I had just woken up from deep sleep and was a bit disoriented, realizing the new reality I have to face. It's amusing how a single piece of news could change a person's conscious reality.

Of course my mind has been raising thinking about "What now," the past few hours since I learned the news. I decided I wasn't going to lock myself up in my ivory tower last night, so I joined some peers to a house party where I acted as if nothing was different. And I did have a great time last night.

I've told about 5 other people who now know my serostatus (HIV status) aside from my counselor and the med tech who administered the test yesterday. I have my specific reasons for telling these people I am thinking of coming out eventually. To what extent, I still don't know. What I know is that I have been blessed by my Creator and the Universe with the chance to experience what it is like being a PLHIV. Maybe I can help the advocacy better this way.